The United States Food and Drug Administration's Dietary Guidelines for Americans recommend that a balanced diet include protein from meat, poultry, fish, eggs, beans, or nuts. Fortunately, penguin combines all these varied protein sources in one convenient package. A whole, adult Adelie penguin provides about 3 kilograms of lean meat (after you vacuum away the fat), tastes just like other poultry birds, swims like a fish, lays eggs, is often found wearing lima-bean anklets, and is certifiably nuts.

BIFF members in southern latitudes report that penguin is an excellent source of vitamin B-12, iron, zinc, manganese and other essential nutrients. Although high in fat, when properly trimmed, penguin meat is an excellent replacement for beef and chicken in the American diet. Penguin blubber is composed primarily of high-density lipoproteins, which when digested are the less-dangerous of the two types of cholesterol. And for those who are allergic to distilled spirits, Penguin is also a fantastic source of pre-digested beer.

Caution, however, should be taken when preparing rogue penguins. Laboratory studies have shown that the brains of these super-aggressive animals are toxic and should not be eaten. Although a definitive cause has not yet been established, scientists theorize that prolonged exposure to ultra-violet radiation causes a chemical chain reaction in the penguin pituitary gland which in turn triggers mutations in brain cells.


A comparison between hunter and hunted is inevitable. In this case, BIFF scientists compared the relative nutritional merits of the penguin and its favorite prey...

Specimen Examined 12 oz. bottle Adult male Adelie Penguin
Scientific Name Budweisecus Frigus Pygoscelis Adeliae
Serving Size 12 fluid ounces 12 ounces
Servings per Container 6 or 12 Six
Calories 256 4,280
Total Fat (grams) 0 1,875
Total Carbohydrates 312 850
Protein (grams) 3 170
Sodium (milligrams) 2 10
Cruising Altitude 10 ft 0 ft
Maximum Range about 50 ft about 50 miles (land)
about10 miles (water)
Minimum Operating Temperature 31°F -90°F
Lethality High when ingested in large quantities. High if taunted or deprived of its favorite food.
Signs of Intelligence None. Prehensile flippers can dial telephones and open train doors.
Favorite Song Bad to the Bone. Strangers in the night.