In the Fourth Century B.C., Sun Tzu said...

Know the enemy and know yourself; in a hundred battles you will never be in peril.
Then again, he also said...

Operations of war require one thousand fast four-horse chariots, one thousand four-hourse wagons covered in leather, and one hundred thousand mailed troops.

Chariots are harder to come by and postage on 100,000 troops is much more expensive these days. Nevertheless, the old sage was at least correct in his advice to know the enemy. The penguin is crafty, swift, and unbelievably strong for his size. He is also skilled in the black arts of espionage, explosives, and cruel taunting. Do not underestimate his intelligence, nor his brutality -- his small size and cuddly appearance are nothing more than artful deception.


In his natural habitat, the penguin has several predators and from these we must learn the essence of penguin warfare...

Surprisingly, the most lethal predators are other birds. Perhaps this should not be surprising as we all well know that the primary predator of beer is the other beer drinkers. Skuas, Sheathbills, and gulls of many type hit the penguin when he is weakest -- still in the shell. Unfortunately, this brilliant tactic is of little use to BIFF warriors since rogue penguins are all fully grown adults.

The next most lethal natural predator are pinnipeds (sea lions and seals.) Leopard seals take particular glee in dining on unsuspecting 'guins. These sea mammals use their superior size and lightning quick strikes to thwart the penguin's craftiness and vigilance.

Grandest of the penguin's natural predators are killer whales (Orcinus orca). Fortunately we need not travel 10,000 miles to the South Pole to learn the secret of their success. Skilled BIFF assassins have borrowed orcas from aquatic parks for hunting posses. Contact your local Sea World for lease details.


Quite to one's surprise, the number one killer of mutant urban penguins is not BIFF, but the ubiquitous automobile. All hail Detroit. Penguins are adapted for locomotion in water, not on city streets. Their ungainly waddle makes them an easy target for taxis, buses, and motorists. Field agents, however, report that rogue penguins are adapting to this threat and have recently formed a secret counter-automobile organization. Their first action was the sabotage of car ignition switches resulting in the spontaneous combustion of certain Ford vehicles.

Second on the penguin's "most feared" list are punk kids. The youth pictured at left is reported to have slayed ten crack rogue penguins in the Tri-County area alone. Beer theft plunged after the operation. However, penguins are fighting back on this front too. Midnight basketball and phonics are but two of the counter-tactics unleashed by penguin lobbyists in Washington, DC.

Last but certainly not least on the list of rogue penguin enemies is us, BIFF. Shown here is the current reigning penguin ace. In one incident, Duke is reported to have single-handedly wiped out an entire rogue penguin Revolutionary Guard company with nothing but a chaingun and empty beer cans. Improvisation in the face of such a clever foe is key...