PROTECTING YOUR HOME
Defense of the home
is very simple -- protect the Ice. The Bud Ice that is. Towards that
end, there are several things you can do to fortify your home:
- Get rid of your dog and buy a leopard seal. Dogs are easily
fooled by the penguin's superior intellect. Leopard seals are the most
vicious of the penguin's natural predators (see the
Natural Predators section to
learn more.) Don't forget to seal up doggy and cat doors.
- If you build a moat around your yard, don't fill it with water.
Remember that penguins are built for an aquatic existence. Acceptable
alternative substances include burning oil, napalm, hydrocholoric acid,
and chicken soup (dimmer penguins might think it's their relatives in
- Sow mines in your lawn. Be careful when mowing the lawn or allowing
children to play out doors.
- Replace hollow wooden doors with steel-reinforced doors.
- Install fortress shutters on all exterior windows with gun portholes.
- Reinforce exterior walls with concrete and rebar.
- If you have a pool, get a killer whale. The mere presence of a
killer whale close to the house may have an enormous deterrent effect.
- Don't invest all your money in outer defenses. Penguins are
clever enough to breach the most formidable defenses if thirsty enough.
A better strategy is a "defense in depth." Be prepared
to fight room to room.
- Do not place furniture against outer walls. Place all furniture
in the center of each room facing outwards. That way you can
use the furniture as a redoubt if the bastard gets inside.
- Electrify heating and cooling ducts. Penguins are small and have
been known to infiltrate fortified rooms via the air ducts.
- Remove all extension phones -- penguins are notorious for
terrifying families by calling from extensions inside the house.
- Hide the Bud. Since Bud Ice is best stored below 39.2 degrees,
everyone looks in the kitchen refrigerator first. Move the
fridge upstairs to the attic. More rooms between the intruder
and its target. Better yet, chill the entire house to 39.2 degrees.
That way every nook and cranny big enough to hold a bud is a potential
DEFENSE ON THE GO
Once out of the house one would
think it safe to travel about. We should be so lucky. The rogue penguin
is nothing if not persistent. Dogged determination marks its thirst for
the golden brew. Penguins have been known to follow BIFF members all
over the world waiting for an opportune moment to strike. A few tips
to make your trip safer:
- Do not share train compartments with other passengers.
- If you must carry Bud Ice with you, pack it in squid, herring or
other fish to throw off the penguin's scent.
- Backtrack frequently.
- Never stay in the same hotel more than one night in a row.
- Use pseudonyms.
- Carry rat traps. Before you go to bed, place traps around your bed
and your brew. Although clever, penguin night vision is poor and penguin
feet are particularly sensitive.
| BACK TO MAIN SCREEN |